the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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