and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
