i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
