It's a beautiful day for a hangover
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
