Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Randomize
