Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Randomize
