This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
