That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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