i jhust puked up my retainher.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
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She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
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I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
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