My sheets look like a crime scene.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
