so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
