So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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