remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
