fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
