Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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