hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I got inside last night via doggy door
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
