Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
