i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
