the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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