my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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