batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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