Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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