i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
