my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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