some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
