i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
