Your face is a jimmy john
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
