hotel room ftw
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
