I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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