I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
