The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
