I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I seem to have left my pride at pride
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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