Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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