i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
i think i just lost a toe
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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