i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
