Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
