textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Randomize
