Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Randomize
