the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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