he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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