I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
