Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
