I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
