You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
