I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
