Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
the raccoons are back...
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