My liver just broke up with me...
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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