i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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