When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
