If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
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