Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
