I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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