i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
