Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
