if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
