never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
