i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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