My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
