Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
