Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
