Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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