...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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